13 Weeks

I have to say, I've been dreading this post, and yet I know that in order to be authentic to the chronicling of the year 2009, it must be written.

On July 7th, less than 24 hours after flying to California alone with the girls, I had a miscarriage. Interestingly enough, it's been 13 Weeks since my 13 week pregnancy (how confusing is that sentence?). I feel like I'm far enough away from the experience to look back and see what lessons I've learned. Here are a few:

1. God Loves Me.

I had NO IDEA what a miscarriage entailed, and would have never stepped foot on the plane if I knew there was a chance I could have a miscarriage on the plane. (I was bleeding on and off on the plane but at that point did not know the baby had died) I truly felt blessed that I wasn't in an airplane bathroom for hours at a time, or passed out on the bathroom floor while my children went unattended. Just imagining the possibilities is terrifying.

That being said, I am so grateful I was in California with my dad (a Dr.) and my family to help take care of me. Being at my LaColina home was the ideal place to rest and rejuvenate. I feel blessed that events happened the way they did and felt the Lord's tender mercies throughout the experience.

2. Life is a Miracle.

It has always been very easy for me to get pregnant and have children. This experience has made me appreciate my own children more and has given me the sense of wonder at how amazing it is to have 4 healthy children to raise.

3. Compassion.

I remember folding a random load of laundry just days after the miscarriage and finding a little baby outfit. Feelings rushed to my heart, not of myself, but of what women who can't have children must go through. I felt like a brief visitor on a road so many women in the history of the world have trodden their entire lives. Of course, intellectually, we all know the pain that occurs in a woman's life when she can't have children--this experience just made their pain a little more vivid and heart-rending.

4. Grief isn't a choice-it's a process and it's inevitable.

I have always looked at miscarriages in a very stoic way--it's a blessing God gives us to miscarry a child who would be severely handicapped. I still believe this. I would have never thought there would be any sort of grieving process for a child so small. Nevertheless, whatever type of grieving needed to be done in my life after the miscarriage couldn't be ignored (I tried this--). I learned to be more open and vulnerable to "the experience" of grieving, rather than firmly rooted in my perceptions of how I should handle myself after a miscarriage.

5. There are angels among us.

My miscarriage happened at 13 weeks, and since I didn't want to spend $5000 to have a D&C, I chose to have the miscarriage at home. I'm glad I did. I think experiencing it in a more organic way (contractions, water breaking, passing the fetus like a labor) was much different than laying on a table while the fetus is sucked out.(was that gross?)

That being said, this process was MUCH more dramatic than I could have imagined. God gave me two angels I could not have survived without. The first was my mother who watched the kids, and even for many weeks afterwards was more in tune with my emotional and physical health than I was at times. Thank you mom for your boundless and intuitive love and concern. The second was my sister-in law Mandi, who rescued me while I was in the heart of miscarriage darkness and was the perfect angel to help me through the crazy experience it turned out to be (details will not be given--words such as beautiful, hilarious, shocking, gruesome, tender, intense and gory come to mind). Thank you Mandi for growing angel wings in an instant. You were exactly what I needed in that moment.

Will I get pregnant again? It depends on what day you ask me. Time will tell. For now I'm just trying to get back to my best self and savor the adorable spirits I DO have........